The cramping started in the car—sharp pains that felt like the spasms I get when my period is imminent. By the time I got back to our apartment and settled in from an afternoon of pedicures and massages at a spa party with my girlfriends, my groin felt like it was being shanked by 20 angry men. And the blood would not… stop… coming.
Hushed calls to Nick… Rushed ride to the hospital… Needles and pokes and questions from men in white coats… uncertainty. Tears. Fear. Maybe I had a cyst on my ovaries that burst. Maybe I had fibroids. Maybe it was a period more painful than usual, they said. An ER room full of physicians, but nobody knew what the problem was—just that I was in pain and bleeding and then suddenly not, and whatever “it” was, it was for my doctor to sort out, but it probably wasn’t anything too major.
Turns out it was major.
“You had a miscarriage,” my OB-GYN said easily—too easily. Like she was telling me “Oh, by the way, you have sleep in your eye,” or “There’s lint on your shirt,” or “Here’s tissue—you have a booger.” These things happen, she explained in measured, clipped, technical terms. You get pregnant and the embryo isn’t sufficient and your body, knowing it’s not sustainable, expels it.
I could barely process her words; the four most hurtful ones—you, had, a, and miscarriage—crackled like thunder over all the others, and the tears—oh, the tears—rushed from my eyes like the endless torrent of water down Niagara Falls.
“You’ll be fine,” she said. Insisted, really.
But I wasn’t fine. I wasn’t fine at all...
Check out the rest of this post on The MyBrownBaby page at Parenting.com's The Parenting Post. For more great stories about child development and motherhood, check out Parenting.com.
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We never forget the loss. I grieved by planting a lovely yellow Magnolia tree in our yard. I think sometimes that the little soul comes to sit in the branches as it waves in the wind. Nice to be close even for a few minutes.
ReplyDeleteI am, so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine what that felt like for you. I hope you find some peace with writing and connecting with people whom have shared similar experiences.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear of your loss, no words can make it easier. So I will just say a prayer and hope it is worked out for you in the best way he knows how... By loving you unconditionally and carrying you in his arms... May you feel his love all around you.
ReplyDeleteIiona
thanx for sharing. still not really able to talk about mine much.
ReplyDeleteI love that you are writing about this. I, too, have experienced the loss of children who never were. I suffered through 5 miscarriages and had a stillborn son on the road to delivering four healthy children. One of my doctors actually said to me (after telling me I was going to need a D&C because my body wasn't doing what it should to expel the fetus) 'Why are you crying, this isn't your fault", and when he called later to schedule the surgery time with my husband, asked 'Is she done crying yet?' Awesome! Thanks for the understanding. It is a horrible sadness, and my heart aches for every woman who has to experience that loss, even those I've never met. Last year a friend of mine who had also suffered the loss of a baby had me read 'An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination', it's a memoir and the author did an amazing job of putting into words the emotions felt during this sad time. Definitely worth reading. Thanks for putting this out there, I think women need to know they aren't alone in this. People always seem shocked when I bring up my history, as if I'm not the 'type' of woman this happens to (whatever that 'type' may be), but knowing you aren't the only one to feel this pain can be very comforting sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. I totally understand. Doctors can be so cavalier sometimes. I myself found out how many women (and men) grieve and grieve and grieve. I wish I would have know while I was grieving.
ReplyDeleteI'm a new follower. Glad to have found your site and this post. I had my own story, except it was after 7 joyful months. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, but thank you for creating this place to share your feeling, experiences and though you may not always realize it give others like me a place to find solace.
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