Get It, Toyota: MyBrownBaby Hearts The "Swagger Wagon"

Just so you know, ain't nothing funnier than watching white folks be "down." Like, seriously? He didn't have to be bald with the glasses, but that helped. So did all that talk about "rolling hard through the streets and the cul-de-sacs," and  "cruising to the playdates lookin' all slick." And the babies as video vixens? Priceless. If Toyota was looking to make me giggle, mission accomplished. I'll never look at the Toyota Siena the same way again. Like, ever.

Of course, the reason we all laugh is because none of us thinks we're anywhere near as corny as these two. But er, um, yeah: Next time you're in the mirror, lean in a little, and conjure up the image of that smirk on your kids' face when you rolled down the windows on your swagger wagon and turned up the volume on Jay-Z's "Dirt Off Your Shoulder."

Uh huh.

*snaps fingers, nods head to the beat*

The Swagger Wagon

Yeah the Swagger Wagon

It's the Swagger Wagon

I gots pride in my ride...

{Don't forget to take the MyBrownBaby Survey—do it and I'll love you long time.}

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{Bringing Up Boogie} Down With The Fresh Beat Band and Other Kid Shows That Aren't Fresh

The Fresh Beat Band stars Twist, Kiki, Shout, and Marina, a.k.a. Boogie's homies

By BASSEY IKPI


After last week’s mommy melt down, I’ve decided to relax and stop spending so much time watching Boogie and actually be with Boogie. You know, in his world. We’ve been doing playdates, like the one we had a few weeks ago at the pumpkin patch. And a bunch of other stuff that makes Boogie’s world go ‘round. But um, Boogie’s World is weird. I’m sorry. I love him and I think he’s super smart and super sweet, but the kid is strange. There’s a lot of putting boxes on your head and jumping. Lots of jumping. The kid jumps off of everything. It scares the crap out of me, but it’s just another five minutes in Boogie’s World.

After he’s done jumping off of things with a box on his head, Boogie’s World gets even more bizarre, particularly when his “shows” are involved. His “shows” are anything on Cartoon Network, a few shows on Nick Jr. and Sprout. The most peculiar show of all—the one I can not stand but my son loves and forces me to watch twice a day—is... The Fresh Beat Band.

I hate The Fresh Beat Band. Yes. HATE. I know, I know—as Boogie says, “Hate is a bad word.” But I don’t care. I hate them. 

If you know what The Fresh Beat Band is then you understand. If you don’t know what The Fresh Beat Band is, well, congratulations, I’m about to ruin your entire life. It’s only fair.

The Fresh Beat Band is a show on Nick Jr., about four diverse friends that live in an apartment or something together. Shout, Twist, Marina and KiKi are either kids or they’re not. I honestly can’t tell. The actors are all in their 40s but act like four-year-olds and think they’re in preschool. Or we’re not supposed to notice that they are too grown to not know what “cooperation” means. I’m honestly not sure who’s zoomin’ who here. I just know that Boogie LOVES THIS SHOW. He loves it in the most frighteningly hypnotic way, like in this video of him watching The Fresh Beat Band. He knows all the songs. He knows all the dances. He LOVES Twist. Who is Twist? Twist is a 7-foot-tall white boy who likes to beatbox. Do you know where my son, spawned from my hip hop loving loins, learned about beatboxing and hip hop? On The Fresh Beat Band, from a 7-foot-tall white boy—who does it wrong! I should call CPS on myself. Then there’s Shout. The “black guy.” I hate to call someone corny, but let’s say that if Shout were an R&B song by Trey Songz, he’d be called, “I invented corny.” He has loco legs. Please... just walk with me. Marina is the redheaded white girl/woman/child who plays the drums. And KiKi is Latina and loves to sing. They all sing. They all sing horribly, catchy songs about bananas and wall paper or The Illuminati.

I want to kill them.

Occasional Boogie's World guest Yo Gabba Gabba, in all his funky, fly, freshness

And Boogie LOVES IT! He refuses Sesame Street, talking about, “Do they know they’re talking to puppets?” He watches Yo Gabba Gabba sometimes, but he’s definitely not as transfixed as when The Fresh Beats are on. He can’t buy Big Bird or DJ Lance as viable characters, but The Fresh Beat Band is somehow legit to him. Where did I go wrong? 

I tried watching an entire episode with him, to, you know, bond and whatnot. And just to see if maybe I was missing something. It was all very bright and cheerful and singy-dancey. It was annoying but my boy, who won’t sit still long enough to change his mind, stands in front of the TV, his eyes wide, and sings and dances along to everything that these people do.

You should know that I don’t hate all children’s programming. I’m a fan of Olivia the Pig. That’s my homie. I love that little girl pig. She’s sassy and smart and rambunctious and imaginative. She’s like a pig version of Willow Smith. 

I don’t like Caillou’s ole whiny behind. I love the theme song to Kipper the Dog but I have never actually watched any of it. I’m a fan of Moose and Zee. Let’s stop there. I consider myself pretty savvy in the world of toddlers and things so I understand why one show works and another doesn’t—they provide a very intricate and detailed peek into the sociology of children... blah blah blah. All of this is for another post. I HATE THE FRESH BEAT BAND.

Why don’t they live with their parents? Do they have parents? Are THEY parents? Do they know they’re in their 40s? Are we supposed to know this? Why don’t they know anything? How are they in music school but to stupid to paint their doors? I HAVE QUESTIONS!

I just don’t get it. I don’t get much. Yesterday, I took Boogie to see Toy Story 3 on Ice, and I didn’t get that one, either. Boogie had mentioned interest in it before and a good friend, Alba, was able to get us two free tickets to the DC show. This was my thought process: “I like Toy Story 3. Great movie. I LOVE ice. It’s sometimes my only meal of the day. Toy Story 3 on Ice should be awesome!” It was not awesome.

First of all, “on ice” basically just means that it’s a bunch of failed figure skaters who didn’t  make the Olympic Team but didn’t want to give up the dream, so they decided this was close enough. 

Now, if you saw Toy Story 3, you know that it was a beautiful and touching film. Think of all the things you loved about that movie and then remove all the things you loved about that movie, keep the bad stuff and then put skates on it. I wanted to slit my wrists with my cell phone just so I’d have a legit reason to leave. I won’t even discuss the $10 tub of popcorn I bought or the $5 lemonade or the $10 bag of cotton candy BEFORE the show even started. I tweeted, “I just spent $25 on nothing. Michael Jackson better be backstage lacing his skates up because um...” During intermission, I tried to tell Boogie, “Oh. It’s over. I guess we have to go home now.” Boogie said, “It’s not over. Nobody else is leaving. OH! Can you buy me a hat?” The hat is $20. And the ushers kept walking by with flashing things and light up other things and spinning things and Boogie wanted EVERYTHING. I finally just told him that the only people who could buy them were blind children. Then he said he wanted to buy one for a blind child. I just... I had to exhale.

Between Toy Story 3 on Ice and The Fresh Beat Band, I think I’m done entering Boogie’s world. We’re going to have to find some nice middle ground to stand on. So far we both enjoy whipping our hair back and forth, so we’ll start there.

Wayne Brady, Mike Tyson, and Bobby Brown: The Funniest Men Alive (Today)

Every Little Step with Mike Tyson & Wayne Brady from Mike Tyson

I promise you, this made my LIFE when I saw it yesterday. You do remember the video for Bobby "The Kang of R&B" Brown's "Every Little Step," right? The all-white room? The giant letters? The black beater with the suspenders, shorts and dress shoes and socks? Riiiiiggght--THAT video. I'm not gonna lie: I remember crossing state lines, driving ALL NIGHT to get to Bobby Brown concerts to see him perform this song. And which one of us didn't want to be one of the hot girls in the video? Bobby Brown was kinda the kang. Him and Aaron Hall and Al B. Sure! and Keith Sweat and even Mike Tyson, whom I never personally found appealing but was kinda THE MAN back in the day (before he got to wailing on Robin Givens and raping groupies and whatnot). 

Which brings me to today's offering, coming straight to you from Funny or Die, courtesy of that lunatic, Wayne Brady. This fool remade The Kang's "Every Little Step" video, with he and Mike Tyson taking turns "singing" the lede and doing all of Bobby Brown's manic dance steps. Even more delicious (or scary, depending on how you look at it) is the guest appearance from The Kang of R&B himself—Bobbay!

For the record, I straight stan for Wayne Brady. Always have. LONG before his hysterical star turn on The Chappelle Show. Since "Whose Line..."—for real. AND I own his album. What?! *ducking off my own page to dodge the red tomatoes and boos* 

But whatevs. Wayne Brady can sing. And he's funny as hell. This is further proof. I guarantee that if you remember the original, ever loved/hated Bobby Brown, or just enjoy the hell out of watching Mike Tyson make a complete, unabashed ass out of himself, watch this. You'll love me long time.

Welcome!