Thursday, December 4, 2008

Baby Talk At Its Finest: Oh, The Things They'll Say!




By BASSEY IKPI

I was the girl who was never going to get married—never going to have children. I mean, I'm not even all that convinced you're supposed to eat EVERY SINGLE day. And I’d rather spend my rent money on a really cute pair of shoes. And I wasn't quite sure what I was supposed to do with a baby. So when I saw the blue line on the pregnancy test and decided to become a mother, I had some explaining to do—to myself and a whole lot of other people in my life who thought they’d never see the day. The following are the very real, very true reactions to my statement, "I'm pregnant."


1.
Sister: If it's a boy, it's going to be gay.
Me: Really? Why do you say that?
Sister: Well... you're a girl and you've always been kinda gay.
Me: Oh.

2.
Friday.
Me: Mommy, I have to tell you something...

Sunday.
Mom: Nyono, it's your mother. You called me on Friday and you told me something. I'm going to need you to repeat it. I don't think I heard you properly.
Me: *repeats it properly*
Mom: Oh Lord... that's what I thought you said. I've been hiding from your father for two days. I need you to tell him today.

3.
Me: Daddy, I'm pregnant.
Dad: Oh. What does that mean?
Me: Huh?
Dad: What happens next?
Me: Huh? What are you asking me?
Dad: What are you telling me?
Me: Huh?
Dad: Do you want to talk to your mother?

4.
Friend 1:
What the hell? I thought you didn't want kids.
Me: Well... I didn't. Now I do.
Friend: Why?
Me: uh... tax write off.
Friend: Really?!
Me: Uh... no...
Friend: Oh. 'Cause I'd get one too then.

5.
Friend 2: You do realize that you can't play the "Go hide in the closet and Bassey will find you eventually" game with your own child, right? Right?

6.
Every friend I have in various forms: OH YIPPEE! We're having a baby! You realize that once this child is born it is no longer yours?
Me: What kind of cult shit is that...
EF: Silence. We have to decide on names... .

7.
Friend (when I first found out): So I can start shopping for it now?
Me: Well, it's not anything now. I don't think you can really shop for a collection of cells.
Friend: YOU can't. You apparently don't know me very well.

8.
Me:
First person to use the word "preggers" or ask to touch my belly or tell me I have a "bun in the oven" is getting cussed out.
D: *instant message being deleted*

9.
Friend 2: I don't care what you name it as long as the middle name is Stacey Ann Chin.
Me: The entire middle name will be Stacey Ann Chin?
Friend 2: Yes.
Me: Even if it's a boy?
Friend: Especially if it's a boy.

10.
Tim: What up, 'Nancy!
Me: What?
Tim: Get it? Preg NANCY
Me: Niiiiice!

11.
Former friend: You're crazy if you think keeping it is a good idea. I just don't believe you'd be that stupid.

12.
Everyone: I'm going to be an Auntie!
Everyone else: I'm going to be an Uncle!
Lara: I'm going to be a baby daddy!

13.
P: I will refrain from singing and dancing to a chorus of "I Told You So."

14.
Lab Tech: And this is the embryo in the amniotic sac...
Me: Oh... look at it all... embryonic...
Lab Tech: Ma'am, not that.
Me: Oh.
Lab Tech: That would be the thumb print you just left.
Me: Oh.

15.

Mum: So you're not sick at all?
Me: Nope. Just really tired. I feel fine.
Mum: Not sick at all.
Me: Nope.
Mum: Not even a little bit?
Me: No....
Mum: Well that doesn’t seem fair.
Me: What? Why?
Mum: Well, I was sick as a dog when I was carrying you... I just knew my grandbaby would return the favor.
Me: *Blink* Can I speak to dad?

16.
Friend 3: You know what's a lovely name?
Me: What?
Friend 3: Joi... it's such a good name.
Me: Thanks, Joi.

17.

Friend 4: I can't wait to see you pregnant!
Me: Awwwwww
Friend 4: I'm going to laugh so hard...
Me: Hmph.

Love my family.

About our MBB Contributor:
Bassey Ikpi is a Nigeria-born, Oklahoma-bred, PG County-fed, Brooklyn-led writer/poet/neurotic. She’s half awesome, a quarter crazy and 1/3rd genius... the left over bit is a caramel creme center. She’s also the single mother of an amazing man-child. Elaiwe Ikpi. And though she doesn’t think motherhood is very fun, she loves every second of it. Including the moments when she wishes it was 1993 and the only thing she had to worry about was how she was going to get home from Pom practice. Check her out at basseyworld.com.


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17 comments:

  1. I love when people find out someone is pregnant they suggest the baby should be namd after them.

    I'm guilty of it as well. I tried to get my brother to name his son after me instead of him LOL.

    Too bad for both of us his mother named him Justin far from both our names.

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  2. This was hilarious! And, it reminded me of when I called my aunt and uncle to tell them some "gossip about who was knocked up now. Don't you know they guessed every one of my 18 cousins and 2 sisters before they were left with only one choice...me.

    Based on the litany of loving and hilarious voices you've shared here, it sounds like you're in for a great ride on this parenting train!

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  3. I got such a kick out of reading this!!! I can relate on so many levels. I was the child of my mother's who wasn't expected to ever have children since I was much like you were pre-preggo - fiercely independent, career oriented, etc. People got the shock of their lives when they heard I was expecting. Did you get a TON of advice from everyone on how to raise the baby too?? I'm still getting advice 7 years later - as if they still can't believe I can raise a child. LOL

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  4. I see why the ex-friend is an ex. Your sister's response about the gay thing was hilarious. I guess that makes you extra extra girly.

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  5. My favorite thing? Everybody who tells you horrible SCARY things about pregnancy and/or giving birth..Why do people do that?!

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  6. i am dying here! soo stinking funny. my fav...dad's comment! too much!

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  7. Loved this. So funny. And good for you keeping people off your belly. I don't know why folks think they can touch me just because I'm gestating.

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  8. hilarious!! i absolutely loved this post. :)

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  9. Ha! Its official. The response to pregnancy is universal. I think I have either been told and/or have said just about all of these.

    Obviously the part that sucks the most is number 11. That was the response from one of my best guy friends when I told him I was pregnant. He didn't flat out call me stupid, BUT he might as well have.

    I really enjoyed your post.

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  10. This was great! I loved that you remembered the exact conversations like this! Thanks for sharing! I needed the laugh today.

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  11. I love your dads comments...too funny!

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  12. Fabulously funny loving family you have!

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  13. MY brother called me Preg Nancy each time I was pregnant...I hated and loved it at the same time.

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  14. That was amazing!!! Too funny!

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  15. I loved this! It reminds me so much of my sister who is due the first part of February. She never wanted to have children but is so great with them. She will be a single mommy to an adorable mixed race little girl! I am so excited to see my little niece and my sister in motherhood. At first she was unsure on how she was gonna raise a baby on her own but now she is totally getting excited to meet her daughter.

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  16. Brilliant!!! I loved this- so true and so hilarious :)

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