By LISA ELLIS
I was going to talk about motherhood, my plans for it, and what it's like for me.
I was going to tell you how I wasn't very maternal growing up.
That I wasn't the girl who babysat during high school.
That I didn't really do kids.
But that I've wanted them for as far back as I can remember.
I was going to tell you how I was going to be like Claire Huxtable and Carol Brady.
How I was going to keep a spotless home, cook three fresh, organic meals a day, and spend all my time making my kids happy.
How I wasn't going to raise my voice at my kids, we'd be the of best friends, and how I'd always have the right thing to say.
Then I was going to tell you what actually happened when I became a mother.
That the Claire Huxtable/Carol Brady thing never really took off.
That I'm more like Roseanne.
That on any given day, you'll see a fresh load of laundry sprawled across the sofa.
That sometimes I'm raising my voice, tired as hell, dinner is in the
That I spend so much time making everybody happy that I lose myself.
I was going to tell you that being best friends isn't the goal—being respected is.
And that no, I don't always have the right the thing to say.
I was going to tell you how incessant questions and grocery store tantrums make me want to disappear.
That my maternal gene didn't immediately kick in when my first child was born and that sometimes I cry ‘cause I don't think I'm doing this right.
I was going to tell you how I now know just how much I really don't know and that being a mommy isn't always cute, baby powdery and sweet.
That being a mommy, a lot of times, for me, is hard.
But last night as I was trying to get into my car to leave Trader Joe's.
There was a slightly handicapped middle aged man parked next to me.
We had a conversation that went like this...
ME: (trying to get my little one in his card seat, steps to the side)
HIM: That's okay. You go right ahead.
ME: No, you go. He doesn't like being strapped in and he's going to wrestle
me. So it may take a long time.
HIM: Oh, I remember those days.
ME: Then you KNOW what FUN I'm having (I said as I rolled my eyes)
HIM: But it's so beautiful isn't it? And it goes so fast.
And then it hit me. I knew this already. But something at that moment just struck me.
I looked over to see my oldest son trying desperately to buckle himself into his car seat;
And my little one climbing to the front of the car.
And I whispered what the man said to myself.
So instead of telling you all that other stuff that I was going to tell you,
I'll just say this:
I am a mother. I am tremendously blessed to be a mother.
Sometimes it is difficult and I don't always get it right.
But that's okay.
Cause really, I wouldn't change it for the world.
And yes, it is beautiful and fleeting.
About our MyBrownBaby Contributor: Lisa Ellis, a poet, writer, mother, and wife, hails from Newark, New Jersey, but makes a home with her sons, Ryan, 6, and Sean, 2, in Los Angeles. You can read more of her work at her blog, Essays and Things.