By JENNIFER JOHNSON
My dear, sweet first baby,
This is the only letter I’ve written to someone who isn’t even alive yet. I wonder what it’s like for you where you are now. I wonder if you’re getting impatient with me and anxious at the same time to come down to this world. I imagine you may be a little nervous too; it’s a scary place sometimes. But don’t worry—I’ll take good care of you.
I dream about you a lot. Sometimes I picture you as a handsome little baby boy and sometimes I see you as my darling daughter. Maybe it’s you and your siblings I’m dreaming about. You’re all beautiful—beautiful little sprits I’m already in love with. Sometimes the dreams feel so real, I wake up wondering where you are. Those dreams scare me a little, and make me think you’re ready to come down right now. It makes me feel like we’ll be together soon—much sooner than I thought.
I can’t wait to meet you, baby, but let’s not be too hasty—first things first. When your dad and I start trying to get you to come down, don’t get cold feet ok? We’re hoping and praying you’ll be ready when we are and make your debut right away. I have friends who say the first time was was a charm—or even better, they conceived while they were still preventing. I guess their children weren't taking "no" for an answer. I'm glad you've obeyed me so far—we're getting off to a good start. But I have plenty other friends who tell me it took them awhile—years, even. That seems like such a long time. I’m glad you’ve obeyed me so far and stayed put; we’re getting off to a good start. But when the script flips and I ask for you to come down, please do, okay?
I hope you and my system get along. I don’t get sick a lot, so if while you’re growing inside me I don’t feel too good, don’t worry; I’ll still be just as happy to have you. It may not always seem that way. But I will. Promise. Especially when I can feel you in my stomach. I have friends who are pregnant now, and one mommy-to-be tells me she can feel her baby in her stomach already, at just a few months. She says it feels like tickles. I’ve heard other people say it feels like butterflies. I can’t wait to feel that beautiful feeling.
I hope you understand how big of a life change this will be for me. I thought I’d be much older when I was ready to have you, but lately I’ve been thinking about you all of the time. I think you and I are both ready for you to be here. I’m not saying things are going to be perfect right away… actually they’ll never be perfect. If I’ve learned anything in my 23 years of life, it’s that things don’t always go the way you plan. But I’m a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason. No matter the challenges we face as a family, I promise to love you more than anything.
I’ve heard it said time and again that once a mother holds her baby in her arms, the amount of love that swells in her heart is overwhelming. It’s something I’ve been told I can’t imagine until I experience it. For me, it’s not that hard to believe, actually. Though we haven’t met, I love you already. I know my love for you can only grow, and I’m excited for that. I’m excited to meet you—my first child.
About our MyBrownBaby contributor:
Future mama Jennifer Johnson chronicles her journey toward motherhood on her blog, Baby Makin(g) Machine.
She's Got Love And Marriage—Now What About The Baby Carriage?
Baby Talk At It's Finest: Oh, The Things They'll Say!