Monday, September 14, 2009

Girls Are Made of Snakes and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails, Too!

My God, I can’t stand bugs—never could. I mean, I grew up in Long Island, in a house with a grand, green, immaculately-maintained backyard, and I think I might have gone out there all of, like, three times. By force. There were spiders and mosquitoes and bees and stuff out there. Denene didn’t play that. So I stayed inside with my dolls and my books and far, far away from the creepy crawlies. Those unfortunate buggers that actually made it to the inside? Well, all it took was a full-on, high-pitched “Daddy!” and my father would regulate. We were a team, Daddy and I. I’d scream. He’d kill for me.

I’m not sure how I made it through my single and independent years without my personal bug slayer. It’s all a frenetic, heart-stopping blur. I do know that my Nick took up the Official Bug Killer mantle when we moved in together. For this, I was grateful. But I made a pinky-swear pact with him that when we became parents, I wouldn’t transfer my fear and disgust of my most despised critters—and there are many!—to our kids, especially if they were girls.

Fast-forward to me frantically sprinting through my house, to a corner far away from something with what’s easily 1,000 legs crawling across my kitchen floor—my baby crawling after me, giggling and wondering just what in the hell is wrong with mommy. Centipede. Tarantula. Snake. Gnat. Didn’t matter. I saw. I screamed. I ran.

Trying not to transfer extreme fear of bugs to girl child = epic fail.


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  1. Hahaha....that is hilarious. I also abhor bugs, so imagine the horror when my (then five year old) presented me with a nice big juicy cicada for Mother's Day - it was husband still doubles over in remembrance of the frozen horror on my face.

    Thanks for the memories!!ROFL

  2. bugs....ewwww! girl, you are better than me....and seriously, you are featured on! i feel honored to know you! good work woman!

  3. Girl, the only bugs that get me are the centipedes. Do you know I quit gardening because there were too many bugs? LOL. My husband's like, "This is where they live." And I never thought of it that way until I got down and tried to dig in the dirt. Ewwww!!!! I just.couldn'

  4. I'm sorry, but not this girl! I don't like anything about bugs. I know some of them are harmless and serve its purpose but Ewwww. I'm not a fan.

  5. Yeah, I know all too well about those things with 1000 legs! The centipedes are the worse. I'll never forget the day when my daddy TRIED to rescue me when one ran across the ironing board while trying to perfect the crease in my khakis. My poor grampy daddy was scared himself as he had to watch me do a combination of the jig, spin like Taz from Looney Toons, and utter alien sounds trying to make my way back up the stairs and away from the three IMAGINARY centipedes I thought was crawling all over me! Remember, I only saw one.

  6. OMG—you guys are KILLING me! I thought I was the only one terrified of the little creatures. I just can't take them. @Arlice: You said you spun like Taz!!! ROFL! I do that AT LEAST three times a day... I did it this evening when I was headed out to grab some fresh rosemary from my herb garden. I opened the doggone door and there were two daddy long legs looking up at me like, "What? Damn! Either come out or get the hell on!" I slammed the door so hard the windows shook. Needless to say, the salmon had dried rosemary on it tonight. I couldn't must the mettle to go back out there...

    Ugh. I still have the heebies behind that!

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